Jokes

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put
his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp
body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog,
regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to
accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back
room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's
body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and
sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The
vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that
your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his
dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body,
walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The
vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your
dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks
the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650
to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet
replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis.
The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."

**************************

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about
things.
“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked
his
mother. “He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with
herself for coming
up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought
for a second and asked, “So why do
you have so much hair?”

I made this joke up.

A straight guy & a gay guy are walking along a boardwalk, they see a
muscular man walk by. The straight guy says " Oh look at that guy, he's
really buff! I wish I could look like that. Look at his rock hard abs!"
The gay guy says "Wow! That's not the only thing that is rock hard
right now!"

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are
there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't
we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are
there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the
waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few
minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al
asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went
back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot
believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered
everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese
Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot
believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the
waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato
Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

***********************************

Why did the potatoe jump off a building?

Because he wanted to be a
mashed potatoe!

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother:
"What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great!
What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're
so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3
year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied,
"Bud."

A boy in a bath with bubbles - Bubbles was the kid next door.